I've been unpleasant

I've been unpleasant. I know this about myself. I've been wallowing in a pool of prolonged self-pity. Prolonged self-pity is, by the way, a trait I find undesirable in people and I find it especially undesirable in myself. I made a decision today to get over myself...my life is not that tough (this attitude may be a result of spending part of my life with Grandma Evelyn). I have two beautiful baby girls who will be coming home soon. They're not going to be in the NICU forever - it's a temporary situation. My perinatal stay already feels like a lifetime ago. My miscarriage seems like 3 lifetimes ago. These feelings give me hope that this whole NICU thing will also feel like it never happened.

I'm making the decision to get over myself because I was thinking about how frequently people note the strength Greg and I have had through this momo twin thing. I was thinking about the people who have said this to us and thinking about what they've gone through in their lives. The hardships they've endured and the amazing strength they've shown. I've had friends who've lost husbands, siblings, and babies. I've had friends who have had to terminate pregnancies or had to make really tough decisions about termination. I've had friends who've watched their mothers fight breast cancer and friends who've had recent breast cancer scares of their own. I've had friends deal with fertility issues for years and still have no children to show for the heartache. When I think about everything that everyone else had had to go through it's amazing to me. We all get up every day. We shower. We go to work. We function because we have to. So, I don't think Greg and I are any stronger than anyone else. It's just that we've recently joined the ranks of everyone else who has to handle a tough situation.

Now, my decision to stop feeling sorry for myself doesn't mean I'm never going to whine (I mean, I wouldn't be me without the whining). And here are two examples - 1) I'm exhausted. I'm tired of getting up 2-3 times a night to pump out tiny amounts of breast milk. Last night I actually woke up an hour after I was supposed to pump with my alarm clock in my hand. Apparently, I turned it off and went back to sleep :) 2) I'm also going to whine about the remaining fat on my body preventing me from wearing my wedding rings. I've been wearing them around my neck for about 3 or 4 months. I'd like to put them back on without feeling like I have sausage fingers.

On to the baby girls - I left the NICU right as they were about to get their ROP screens. Being eye squeamish, I thought better of staying. We should hear back today about their vision. They are continuing to gain weight - Evelyn in 5 lbs 8 oz, Clara is 4 lbs 8 oz. They haven't had any serious desats or apnea since yesterday. Evelyn is barely requiring any oxygen or flow. She should be on room air soon (hurray!). Clara's still needing her share of help breathing. I'm guessing she's at least a week or two away from room air. Both girls are eating well off a nipple (usually a bottle since I'm not there all the time). Today was the first day Clara went to town breastfeeding. I was very proud of her. I'm very proud of them both.

There was another set of twin girls in the NICU today. Being the superstitious lady that I am, I think it's a sign that my girls are on their way out. They're getting ready to pass the torch to the next set of twin girls.

Take care,
Kris