Leave them in

The last two days have been really difficult. The girls are doing fine. Not great, but fine. After my decelerations on Saturday and the 2-hour sessions went okay, they bumped me down to 1-hour sessions. Last night Evelyn had a few more variables and then she completely moved and they lost the heart rate. They had to bring in the ultrasound to find her and she's okay - they only lost her because she changed positions but, man, it's a lot to handle emotionally. My doctor came in today, looked at the strips, and said he was "unimpressed" but what, last night, they were worried about. He joked a little that obstetrics is an easy specialty because you only have to answer two questions. The first is, "Do we leave the babies in or take them out?" The second in, "Will we take them out vaginally or by c-section?" Question 2 is already decided for me, so we're just trying to answer Question 1 everyday. Today's answer is "leave them in." The medical staff try to make me feel better and assure me that all these little dips are appropriate given their age and their mono/mono status. It does absolutely nothing to reassure me. Every minute I'm on the monitor I'm terrified and every minute I'm off the monitor I'm anxious to get back on. I just want them to stay put for at least 11 more days until I can reach 30 weeks. Everyone keeps saying, "This is why you're here," but I'd rather be here for 8 weeks and have nothing go wrong at all :) Unrealistic? Yes, but still, I'm in denial.

Anyway, this morning's monitoring went well I guess. The nurse didn't say anything, but they looked fine to Mandy and me. Only one small dip at the beginning. They'll keep monitoring me more intensely until, I guess, I'm either in the clear or I need to increase the monitoring even more. Ech...it's too much to think about.

Take care,

Kris