Competitive NICU mom

I've become what I've feared. I'm now comparing Clara and Evelyn's progress with other babies. Well, actually, one baby in particular. There was another "lifer" on Perinatal with me who delivered a boy at 30w 3d five days after I gave birth. Naturally, her son had no brain bleed, was larger than Clara, and is completely on room air - no cannula or anything. Oh and his mom is producing so much breast milk that the NICU cannot accommodate all her bottles. Meanwhile I'm anxiously awaiting Clara's follow-up brain ultrasound, trying to fight back tears as the doctor tells me that they've had to increase both girls oxygen needs (again), and I'm pumping out about as much milk as a 65 year old man. Apparently I'm one of, like, 2% of women who's breast milk is completely unaffected by Reglan. It's super fun to be hooked up to the pump 4 hours a day for little drip drops of milk. And, seriously, can't we catch a break on their breathing? I think we're looking at at least 6 more weeks in the NICU and it's getting more and more likely that they'll come home on oxygen. I just want to see their beautiful faces without all the tubes and now who knows when that'll happen. So - it's ridiculous to compare them to the 30 weeker, but it's impossible not to. I know that these girls were in distress in utero for a long, long time and that we should be so thankful they even got out alive, but it's really hard when you get your hopes up and you finally find some optimism and then they keep taking steps backward on their breathing.

All that aside, some things are going well. They both tried the bottle today and did well. Hopefully this means we can wean them off the feeding tubes soon. We're also very thankful they are gaining weight and not having any trouble with their GI systems. And, certainly, we're thrilled they are off the CPAPs, IVs, and out of the bili lights. So it's not all doom and gloom. Just a little bit :) Mostly when I catch myself really thinking about the loss of a regular pregnancy and a regular set of newborns. I had figured the NICU would be the hardest part of this experience and, despite the doctors telling me that the NICU would be easier than imagined, I'm finding it really difficult. I'm simply tired of being so sad and worried and disappointed all the time.

On to other news....I'm starting back up working in the office tomorrow part-time until the girls are ready to come home. I need to reserve some leave time and I need to occupy my mind with something else. I can't sit in my house or the hospital all day and let this consume me anymore than it already does. I need to start functioning again.

That's it for now. I'll probably update again after we get Clara's scan redone. I don't think they are even going to attempt to take them down on their oxygen flow anytime soon so there's no other need to update on their progress. Assume no news means status quo.

Take care,
Kris